Why is a crooked letter

When I began having this tremendous need and desire to be spanked, I was relatively young and living in very abusive household. I was abused in many different ways but never spanked. Spanking came to represent caring, loving discipline, in my mind, after I read a few romance novels. Still I felt I was a mighty strange person to desire that someone talk to me sternly, pull down my panties and spank my bottom red.

I am turning 56 this month and I have only been exploring this lifestyle for about three years. Quite a dry spell. And for that matter if my younger brother had not bought me a used computer so I could more efficiently work on my writing, I would still be laying awake at night wondering why I was the weirdest woman on earth. The internet opened up the world to me the first time I typed spanking into a search engine.

I joined groups, drooled over pictures, and gasped at online movies. It was on the internet that I met the man who gave me what I consider my first real spanking and also introduced me to the fact that I might like to give as well as receive. All of this was wonderful but there was still a burning question in my mind. WHY? Why in the world did I crave this so. And make no mistake, I could recognize it as a craving, not just something I felt I might like to play around with. Now I wasn't the only one asking why. On most groups I belonged to posts would be written time and again puzzling over this question. Why do I want to give or get spankings or both. Oh we came up with one hypothesis after another.

Many of us were survivors of childhood abuse, perhaps that was the key, abused children crave loving spankings. Ah but what about those who had great childhood experiences and wonderful, caring parents. Alright how about many of us having absentee fathers or being adopted, there seemed to be a large number of those folks as well. No, that one didn't work either, many spankos had great relationships with their dads and lived with their birth parents growing up. We tried looking at who had and hadn't been spanked as children. But we couldn't find a common factor there either.

I finally started understanding what was going on. I delight in spanking for the same reason I am left handed. It is part of my brain wiring. No, that is not a scientific conclusion with any data to back it up except my gut instinct that this is the way it is. Just as different people in this lifestyle want different types of experiences. There is no why, it just is.

So instead of puzzling over why I started looking at what. What do I want, how do I want to be spanked, what part should it play in any relationship in my life. This began to make some sense of it all for me.

First of all I love being spanked and I am discovering I enjoy spanking others. One part of this that does not exist for me is cruelty. I don't want to be spanked that way and I never, ever spank anyone in a cruel or uncaring manner.

I need discipline spankings for a number of reasons. They help keep me on track and accountable. When I am accountable I tend to take care of the serious health issues I have, and I definitely watch out for my finanaces. They also serve a therapuetic purpose in being spanked for events in my past I am still guilty about and need to be spanked for, actually deserve to be spanked for.

When I spank another person I feel I am providing what they need and want. I am careful to understand their expectations of the spanking and what they want it to accomplish.

As for other spankings, I haven't found one I didn't love. I think Just Because spankings are the best. After all what better reason is there then Just Because I need to have it or he needs to give it. Play spankings are lots of fun and a chance to let yourself be silly and spanked at the same time.

As for erotic spankings, well, they are exquisite. All those sensations at once. The pain and pleasure so intermingled you don't know where one stops and the other begins. I will also admit that any spanking I get becomes erotic for me eventually. That is just how my body responds. I see no problem with that and I love having spanking as part of love making.

So you see I have given up the quest for why. It started to be too much like the discussion of angels dancing on the head of a pin. I would much rather wonder about when the next spanking is coming and what is he going to use on my bottom. It is also a kick to plan when I am spanking him next, for what reason, and just how I am going to make him squirm.

As the title said, Y is a crooked letter and in my opinion is best left that way.