Wish This Was Fiction

Boy oh boy I wish this blog was a fictional story. But its not. My finances are screwed up again but good. At this point in my life I live on disability which is extremely difficult. Medicaid is supposed to pay for co pays my private insurance doesn't cover but they are not for some reason right now.

And, even though it was ill advised, I have loaned money to someone else who has not paid it back yet. However, regardless of this my bills must be paid as everyone's are. And I am not one to blame others for my mistakes. If I make a mess I clean it up and then pay the price. I have a feeling I am going to be paying an awfully big price for this one and it won't just be in bank charges.

Now you might think I am complaining about the punishment I know will be coming and I know I deserve. This is one of the issues I am accountable for. No, you won't hear any complaints from me about that. I deserve it, whatever it turns out to be.

Here is the hard part. I have to self administer this. I hate that. As far as I am concerned there is nothing worse than giving yourself the spanking you are told to give. It just isn't the same thing. Yes, I do it as best I can and I always end up with a very sore backside. Yes, I am always forgiven and reassured I am loved and cared about. But when I hang up the phone or get off the computer there is, ultimately, no one here. Well, the cats are here but, as much as I love them, its just not the same.

I don't know, maybe it is a better punishment for what I have done. Maybe having to do something that I hate so much is what I deserve. However, it sure doesn't feel like the better option. I need to see the look on his face before and after. I have a wonderful imagination and can imagine being hugged and held but its just not the same no matter how hard I work to make it feel real.

So once again I am in the financial lion's den and yes, I do deserve punishment, that is not in question at all. But oh I do wish it were in "real life". Letting yourself give into what you need is very difficult when you are the person administering it.

It does occur to me at these times, that this can be a difficult lifestyle to keep working. However, I intend to try no matter what. But right now I would like to crawl under the blankets and sleep for about a year.