I wanted to share a letter I wrote to a man I only saw a few times. You will understand why when you read the letter. My purpose in sharing this is to reassure anyone that is entering this lifestyle, that we are all different. Being an individual is part of being human. I really don't want to be dehumanized and in this relationship I felt I was losing myself if I permitted the treatment he expected. I would be interested in any opinions on this.
Hugs,
Purple Angel
Dear*****
I have come to a decision. I spent most of the night arriving at it and gave it very careful consideration. I am also reasonably sure you will not agree with my reasoning but I am sure you will respect it.
My decision is that we cannot continue in a Dominant/Submissive relationship. I am happy to remain interested in each other's writing and to help out/attend the writing conference. I will give you my reasons but thought you should know my decision first in case you just wanted to skip the whys and wherefores.
First of all, I think part of it is a basic incompatibility in our personality type. At least in your Dominant role you are very rough and harsh. I had a chance to compare how you related to me and how you related to other women you knew at the conference. They were treated respectfully, given hugs and smiles, and talked to in a totally different way. I felt disrespected at times and I know you don't understand why. I don't want to be called a bitch even if you consider it a compliment. I am not a chicken and don't want to be called one anytime I don't agree with doing something you suggest. It hurts me to be treated like this.
I have no problem being Submissive but I don't think that means I have to feel demeaned in any way. I think a Submissive has the responsibility and privelege of yielding to her Dominant while he has the responsibility and privelege of caring for and about her, respecting her as a human being, and cherishing the person who is putting a great part of her life in his hands.
Yes, you deliver a very good, efficient and thorough spanking. No doubt about it. It is a good thing I remembered to put lotion on since you do not do that, so that my skin can heal properly. I have never had a Dom not use lotion or oil as part of aftercare. If that is your way I respect it but I need to feel cared about. It seems to me that aftercare for you is a short step before moving on to sexual contact. It seems that my psyche needs more than that. And I must admit it still disturbs me that you made me cry just because you wanted to accomplish that as a goal. Your very words were mission accomplished. But yet you never wanted to comfort me for the reasons I was crying and in fact you never asked what they were.
During my process of decision making I have gone to various blogs and sites and read what Dominants and Submissives have to say on these subjects. There is a wide variance in people's feelings as I thought there might be. So none of this is meant as a criticism, merely a way to express my feelings on how we relate to each other.
The other evening you kept saying we would learn more about each other as we went along. But I was trying to tell you about me then and there and you dismissed all I had to say. Basically you blamed me for not really being a submissive, topping from the bottom etc. I know that none of that is true. Just because we do not fit well together does not mean there is something wrong with me.
My guess is T****** is probably a far better fit with your personality and responses. Although I can't know that for sure either, that certainly seems to be the case.
So here you are, I am not pussyfooting around at all. This will be best I think for both of us in the long run. After all there could never be a relationship between us and I am not sure you really understand my need for one.
In any case thank you for the time you spent and for making me feel sexually desirable. I appreciate your efforts in helping me make wise decisions about my dietary habits. And I most certainly respect your intelligence and writing ability. I am hoping you will let me continue to read your novel.
Best wishes,
Hugs,
Purple Angel
Dear*****
I have come to a decision. I spent most of the night arriving at it and gave it very careful consideration. I am also reasonably sure you will not agree with my reasoning but I am sure you will respect it.
My decision is that we cannot continue in a Dominant/Submissive relationship. I am happy to remain interested in each other's writing and to help out/attend the writing conference. I will give you my reasons but thought you should know my decision first in case you just wanted to skip the whys and wherefores.
First of all, I think part of it is a basic incompatibility in our personality type. At least in your Dominant role you are very rough and harsh. I had a chance to compare how you related to me and how you related to other women you knew at the conference. They were treated respectfully, given hugs and smiles, and talked to in a totally different way. I felt disrespected at times and I know you don't understand why. I don't want to be called a bitch even if you consider it a compliment. I am not a chicken and don't want to be called one anytime I don't agree with doing something you suggest. It hurts me to be treated like this.
I have no problem being Submissive but I don't think that means I have to feel demeaned in any way. I think a Submissive has the responsibility and privelege of yielding to her Dominant while he has the responsibility and privelege of caring for and about her, respecting her as a human being, and cherishing the person who is putting a great part of her life in his hands.
Yes, you deliver a very good, efficient and thorough spanking. No doubt about it. It is a good thing I remembered to put lotion on since you do not do that, so that my skin can heal properly. I have never had a Dom not use lotion or oil as part of aftercare. If that is your way I respect it but I need to feel cared about. It seems to me that aftercare for you is a short step before moving on to sexual contact. It seems that my psyche needs more than that. And I must admit it still disturbs me that you made me cry just because you wanted to accomplish that as a goal. Your very words were mission accomplished. But yet you never wanted to comfort me for the reasons I was crying and in fact you never asked what they were.
During my process of decision making I have gone to various blogs and sites and read what Dominants and Submissives have to say on these subjects. There is a wide variance in people's feelings as I thought there might be. So none of this is meant as a criticism, merely a way to express my feelings on how we relate to each other.
The other evening you kept saying we would learn more about each other as we went along. But I was trying to tell you about me then and there and you dismissed all I had to say. Basically you blamed me for not really being a submissive, topping from the bottom etc. I know that none of that is true. Just because we do not fit well together does not mean there is something wrong with me.
My guess is T****** is probably a far better fit with your personality and responses. Although I can't know that for sure either, that certainly seems to be the case.
So here you are, I am not pussyfooting around at all. This will be best I think for both of us in the long run. After all there could never be a relationship between us and I am not sure you really understand my need for one.
In any case thank you for the time you spent and for making me feel sexually desirable. I appreciate your efforts in helping me make wise decisions about my dietary habits. And I most certainly respect your intelligence and writing ability. I am hoping you will let me continue to read your novel.
Best wishes,
Posts
7 comments:
An excellent letter. How did he respond, or did he? I have been interested in the different types of relationship I have run across out here. It's the ones where there is overwhelming love that draw me to read more about them - and there are so many out here. I am very glad you were confident enough in yourself not to be drawn farther in.
Hugs,
PK
Purple, that seem eminently sensible to me, I hope that the gentleman appreciated the thought and effort that went into that letter.
I'm a Dom you're a sub, lets get together, I wish it were that simple, not really, but some seem to.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Your account of this "Dom" is exactly why I refer to myself as a "Spanking Top", and not a Dom.
Generalizations are not generally true. But in some cases I think that men are Doms because they are afraid and dislike women. One way these men deal with fear is to control what you're afraid of. They demean a woman so that they don't have to be afraid.
I absolutely agree, submission is a great gift. You are absolutely right to insist on being respected and treasured.
I would guess that the Dom didn't take that letter very well. But that does not reflect on the contents of the letter. Insisting on being cared for and respected is not topping from the bottom. You should never play with someone who you would not be friends with outside of a spanking context.
Purple,
Thanks for sharing this letter. It had to have been very painful for you.
But Honey, this guy sounds like a bully and a manipulator, something wannabe Doms are very good at. You know I'm not submissive so I don't have a very good grasp of all that that entails. However, being your friend makes me really mad at anyone who hurts you or tries to hurt you. Making you cry was heartless and cruel. You should try to be in relationships (be they love or friendship) where you're built up and not torn down. Quite frankly, I couldn't care less what his response was. If he felt bad, he deserved it. No one should be treated the way he treated you. I'm glad you were able to disengage before any real damage was done. You're truly an angel and deserve to be treated like one.
Love,
Cheryl
I'm glad you got away from this guy. He gives true Doms a bad name.
Wow... what a great letter. Good for you for writing it too. There is nothing wrong with a Dom/Top wishing to conduct a relationship in that way... so long as they're honest about it from the start. But for both of us, yea... we're on the same page with you!
Name calling... making it a "mission" to have you cry... basically skipping aftercare... not showing any respect... none of that would work for us either. And for YOU to be blamed for these things was ridiculous. Like you chose to skip aftercare and be called names.
Love that you shared this. Might show someone that is currently in a similar situation how easily it can be fixed. If you know you deserve better... move on!
:)
Todd & Suzy
I realized that I never commented back to those of you that shared such thoughtful words regarding this post.
As for the man it was written to, he accepted what I said but really didn't understand what I was trying to say. I was not surprised in the least that it made no sense to him.
I so appreciate the support and comments that are part of the blogging community. It also helps to have others understand, with true empathy how you feel.
Thank you to each and every one.
Hugs,
Purple Angel
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