Bitter and Cold Part 4 M/f spanking fiction

This is the fourth installment in this story.  If you would like to read the other three, just do a search on my blog with the words Bitter and Cold.

Janine lay in the pale light that was barely visible through the slats of the blind.  The hospital was beginning to feel like jail, she needed to get out and find Paul  Surely this was all a mistake that could be corrected.  Her mind was still fuzzy about the details of what had transpired but she couldn't believe he had left never planning to return.  And he certainly would never leave her in a situation without power in the apartment....would he?

During their relationship Janine had turned full financial authority over to Paul.  He demanded and she acquiesced without much dissension.  Her paycheck was deposited directly into his account and, although he seldom said no to anything she wanted, access to the checkbook and charge accounts were kept from her.

A few miles from the hospital a young power company technician sat pensively by the window.  He could not shake thoughts of what had transpired at the hospital.  The horror of looking at the woman's abused legs was incredible.  He was not sexually sheltered in any way but that was some of the worst marking he had ever seen.  Bruise on top of bruise, some healing, some fresh.  Ugly welts that criss crossed and carried scabs that indicated bleeding cuts from a cane were all abundantly evident, even with just a quick glance.  As he sighed and went to prepare some dinner he resolved that he would be going back to the hospital tomorrow.  Someone had to help Janine figure out where she was going after the hospital.  He wasn't exactly sure why, but he felt bound to be part of that.

During the Doctor's examination, Janine tried to be blase and almost non communicative.  Although she did ask why he was examining her legs and back when it was her brain that seemed to be the problem.  The Dr. had replied dryly, that he was a "whole patient kind of guy".  Janine sighed but let it go.

After the exam he pulled up a chair next to the bed and took Janine's hand.  His voice was kind and, somewhat, fatherly.

"Janine, if we are to help you we need information.  Please tell me anything you can about who caused all the damage to your body."

Shaking her head, Janine tried for a calm, even tone, but her voice was high and breathless.  "This is all consensual, I agreed to it.  He had every right to do what you see and more."  She was unaware that a tear was sliding down the bridge of her nose.  "I was a terrible disappointment and he did his best to educate me.  Guess I am not a very good student."  She sniffed and her face was despondent.

The doctor sighed heavily, "Janine, I have been around the block more than a few times, I have other patients that are into various areas of BDSM.  But this is not acceptable.  You have large hematomas and welts that are irritated if not slightly infected.  A caring Dom does not leave his sub in this condition.  Please let me help you."

Silence filled the room as Janine looked away, confusion and hurt etched on her face.  No, what he said couldn't be true.

Pushing back his chair, the doctor rose slowly, "Alright sweetie, I'll give you time to think.  In the meantime whi8le you are here we will start you on medication for the blood clots and antibiotics.  Let's see if we can't get you in better shape."  He smiled, patted her hand and left.

The dam burst and sobs racked Janine's body.  Her head ached and she was terribly confused.  Surely the doctor was wrong, he just didn't understand.  But yet he seemed to clearly be in touch with the lifestyle.  Why didn't Paul call or get in touch?  Had he really deserted her?  Suddenly a thought dawned, Paul couldn't get in touch, he didn't know what had happened.  Why he was probably distraught when he returned and she was gone without a note or any kind of communication.  Yes, that must be what it was, tomorrow she would get help from someone in tracking Paul down and reconnecting with him.  But as that thought was processed she really wasn't as comforted as she thought she would be.  Paul was what she wanted....wasn't he?

Negotiate and Communicate

Negotiate and Communicate

First of all this photo should not be viewed as a non consensual event.  But it seemed to convey what I am writing about.

A hypothetical situation

Joan is getting ready to go to a new spanking party.  She has attended others but this experience will be different, it is not in her home state.  She is anxious to meet others online so she attends group chats and comments on posts from others.  The vibe seems so right, and she is becoming comfortable with the group as she gets to know group members online. 

During one chat she meets a man and they begin talking about everyone's favorite subject, spanking (bet you could see that coming).  He identifies himself by his scene name and remarks that he considers himself a disciplinarian.  As he continues he relates that he has disciplined many women over the years and considers himself to be extremely effective (anyone that must praise themself that much usually has a fan club of one).

Joan is impressed and the online conversations continue.  He "speaks" very kindly calling her honey, etc.  Although she is a bit apprehensive, she broaches the subject of discipline.  (Keep in mind this is for a party, not a jail sentence).  As you might predict, he eagerly agrees to discipline her at the party (oy) and makes the following "rules";

No safeword (one red flag on the field)

He chooses the implements(ten red flags on the field)

He decides on how severe and how long(by now the field is bright crimson and the refs leave to buy more red fabric).

Unfortunately Joan agrees to this and, even more unfortunately, does not talk to any women in the group to find out more about this man. 

What's wrong with this picture?  If you don't have an immediate answer than you need to learn what Joan did. 

She played without a safeword

She played with a veritable stranger (online really doesn't help you know someone that well)

She allowed all rules to be dictated to her

She did not negotiate her limits and did not communicate her feelings about what he said.

First of all a party is hardly, in my opinion, the right place to start a new disciplinary relationship.  It is for spanking (or other) play, along with the chance to socialize. 

Discipline requires a connection between two people, and an enormous amount of trust.  It is not only trust with your physical self but also your emotional well being. 

How did I figure all this out?  Sadly experience taught me these hard lessons.  I was in situations that caused me actual physical harm and emotional devastation before I figured out this was not the way it was supposed to happen.   When I attended my first party I was very careful to talk to experienced party goers about each Top that approached me to play.

I love parties, and, oh, how I love being spanked!  I certainly play with men I haven't met, but only after we negotiate!!  And with new men, there is always a safeword.  If they aren't comfortable with that, then we go our separate ways, hopefully, with a smile.  And, just for the record, I love playing hard, soft, and inbetween.  I appreciate Tops who will share that my bottom looks pretty done in, and maybe we better play another time.  Those guys are gems!! 

So what happened to Joan?  Well, she allowed the session to go on as planned, and was shocked at the severity.  Since she had agreed to no safeword she felt honor bound to let it continue ( at this point I would have felt no such compunction).  She ended up with black bruises that lasted over a week. 

Whether you are an experienced spankee or a novice please do remember to communicate and negotiate for all play dates.  Its great when unspoken communication works but devastating when it doesn't



The Bench

        Another Our Need and Desire party has come and gone...sigh.  I do love spanking parties, especially the one I give twice a year.  All my spanko friends and family plus new friends gather in a Chicago suburb for a weekend of socializing, eating, and spanking.  Lots and lots of spanking and, of course, chocolate. 

    
      While tables, chairs, hotel beds, and sofas are fine for spanking, there is nothing like a spanking bench.  The one in the picture was made by Kinky Contractor on fetlife.  It belongs to me and the Our Need and Desire group.  It is a traveling bench but lives in my apartment (Big Smile) when there is no party.  I make sure it doesn't get bored between parties, it is my responsibility after all!

      I love the fact that it is not black and red.  Not a thing wrong with black and red, but this is so much more "me" and the group.  In case you can't tell, the padding is a pink leopard print and the white wood has been decorated by party goers. 

     Our last party theme was School Daze so many naughty young ladies and one (brave) naughty young man were funished in the party room for inappropriate behavior at school.  Yes even my completely angelic self got a taste of the flogger over the bench. 

     If you have never been on a bench let me describe what it feels like when I have my bare bottom over it. 

     Keep in mind I am not talking about a punishment situation so no restraints were used, this was party play.  First you kneel on the bottom "step".  This is your chance to make a few smart ass remarks, bat your eyelashes, and keep the group laughing at your dilemma.  The spanker frowns, promises dire punishments for such behavior, and everyone keeps laughing.  I will admit at this point I am laughing too.

     You are directed to assume the position.  So you bend, and lay your body over the top "step".  At this point I always get butterflies in my stomach, after all I have my back to the group, and soon very little will be left to the imagination.  Spankers always ask quietly ahead of time if you are willing to bare your bottom.  I always say yes...I know, what can you do??

     So up went my skirt and, slowly, my panties came down.  Of course my friend BEN had to point out they said Seat of Education, which got a laugh.  There I am, with my bare bottom in the air and a roomful of people watching.  Good Grief, how does an angel like me END UP this way?

     I got an excellent flogging during which I protested loudly between laughs.  It was wonderful.

     It does look scary I know but being on the bench can be such an enjoyable experience.  The spanker can talk to you, watch your face and body language, and your (ahem) charms are as revealed as your feel comfortable with. 

     Now there are other times that the bench becomes a more serious piece of equipment, but for now let's leave it out for laughs.

Philosophical Ruminations on Punishment

Waiting for the train at Penn Station in NYC. This is definitely a love/hate situation since I love the fact that I am going to visit wonderful friends in Maryland but hate that I am leaving my Daddy/BigBrother in Manhattan. We are just chatting, the train is late (and I say a silent thank you to Amtrak) and he smiles every time my hand wanders to my backside, which throbs, tingles, and aches in a most persistent, and delightful manner. It certainly brings a smile to my face as well and an invisible lump to my throat.
Then he asks, "Any philosophical ruminations on punishment after....". He never gets to finish because the redcap informs me its time to go, the train just pulled in. Suddenly we are rushing to get the bag on the redcap's cart, kissing goodbye, hugging and off I go.
When I board the train and sit (gingerly) there is now time to think about this burning (ok bad pun) question. First of all, I have been part of this relationship for four years, the best years I have ever had in so many ways. This trip is not even close to the first time he has had to punish me. But it is the first time he has been entirely comfortable with my trust level to hold nothing back. And I am here to tell you he did not hold back anything! I should also point out that this is entirely consensual as I gave this right to him quite awhile ago. It also is the first time I have had a huge build up of wrong doing, since I could not be spanked for punishment or any other reason while I was recovering and rehabing from four surgeries.
So my book and I came to NYC as did the butterflies in my stomach. My book, that I am referring to is the one where I am required to write down wrong doing. Since I live so far away, we keep track in writing. His memory is sometimes a bit flaky, and to be honest, so is mine! I had never had so much written down at one time. I am not really into misbehavior and breaking rules as a lifestyle, but the year had been incredibly stressful and I don't handle that kind of stress very gracefully.
Now my trip was not really about "let's punish Valorie for three days". Both my Daddy and his wonderful wife took me out for dinners and to two shows. During the day, when I wasn't staring at the bedspread regretting what I had done, Daddy and I went for long walks, saw a museum, and ate lovely lunches. The weather was beautiful, as though NYC, was agreeing that I had to enjoy my time. But, yes, there were issues to take care of, for both our peace of mind.
Over this four years I have begun to explore what has been there all my life. Spanking is a huge part of it, my first and most prevalent fantasy. I can't remember a time when it was not a part of me. But linked to the spanking was wanting someone to care about me, and to help lookout for my well being. That was not part of my experience as a child or teen. Spanking also took on sexual overtones as I went through puberty, but the wanting and needing to be held accountable was always there. Adding to that mix is submission, which I really had no good handle on until I got involved in spanking. But as with spanking, it has also been with me all my life. Now I am finding ways to act on it but that's another story.
My Daddy totally understands my need, in fact it amazes me sometimes what an absolutely detailed understanding he has. I consider him my Daddy/BigBrother Dominant. He does not make rules frivolously nor does he micromanage, so when he does make a decision that is the law. He decided to deal with the worst offenses in the book first, we had also decided we couldn't do everything during this trip or it really would have been a punishmentfest. I found out during the first spanking that my Daddy had evolved (he now refers to himself as version 2.0).
Prior to this I had always felt as if he was too easy on me but that changed immediately. I have no idea how many times that lexan paddle lifted and fell, I have no idea how many times the bathbrush lifted and fell. But I do know it hurt like hell and I had to fight my own reactions, so I could take it well. (That is very important to me). I was sweating and crying when I finally was able to be cuddled and comforted and told how will I had done. He was very proud of me and I was amazed at how different the intensity had become. My tush wanted to immediately secede from my body and find a different girl, but my heart and mind were rejoicing. It may sound crazy, but this was such a tangible and precious gift of love.
We talked after that spanking and the eight others that followed during those three days (oy). My bottom was bright red most of the time, and it is still pinkish even now. Usually it takes a great deal for my bottom to color and stay colored. There were and are slightly darker tones at the sit spots and slight abrasions on the cheeks. Of course each spanking that came after that first one hurt from before the first smack and, two in particular, literally took my breath away. No warm ups, no rubbing until later, this is punishment. By the end of nine spankings I was a very chastised woman/little girl. And the relationship with my Daddy had deepened in a way I had not realized would be possible. I asked him twice to continue with two that I didn't think I had handled as well as I could have. That is, of course, his decision, but he knows it is important to me and he agreed. So his three lexan paddles, his belt, and that bathbrush tattooed my tush, and taught me many lessons.
It also relieved much of my guilt over the mistakes I had made. My hope is that I won't make the same mistakes again but if I do I know what to expect. A big hug, a hell of a spanking, and then comfort and forgiveness.
No one has ever cared about my well being or my life outcomes as he does. It truly scares him when I engage in stupid actions that threaten my health or safety. And never once, have I ever felt abused or badly treated. No matter the severity, it is as real as the love he offers so generously.
Yes, I have thought a great deal about all this, and I am quite sad that the soreness is now gone. I loved that reminder every time I sat down or bent over to pick something up. It was a reminder that I have now what was a lifelong fantasy but is now reality. His overwhelming need to spank me when I am bad and my overwhelming need to take that spanking and feel the love in every swat.
Thank you Daddy, Thank you Big Brother, thank you for all you do to make my life so much better and happier. There will never be enough words to express it, you are the very best man and I love you.

Question of the Week-Advice for Newbies

As I am preparing to host my eighth spanking party, it occurred to me that I don't see a great deal of advice for new spankers/spankees.  While I am aware that many people get a much earlier start in the lifestyle than I did, we are all beginners at some point.  For many of us the fantasy was there long before the realization.  However, fantasy is just that...fantasy.  In reality you are entering into an intimate (even if no sex or sexual contact is involved), emotional, and sometimes scary situation. 

So for those of you that have spanked or been spanked many times or even once or twice, what advice would you give to a newbie?  What kinds of conversation should be involved, should implements be used immediately, do you start with discipline or play?  Any knowledge you can pass on would be much appreciated.

I remember when I was starting out, I soaked up information like a sponge.  It was a great help and any mistakes I made were my own. 

This has been posted on my fetlife group and my Yahoo group, and I will certainly post the remarks made at the end of the week!

Someone Spank Me...NOW!

I am in a drought.  Well, let me be more specific, I am in a spanking drought.  Certainly have plenty of water to drink, but not a paddle, brush, or belt in sight.

The dry spell has gone on for almost a year!  There are good reasons for this, exactly four of them.  After four hip surgeries in six months, spanking is not on the agenda for awhile.  Although I did have a good time explaining to my surgeon when I had to ask him when it would be safe to engage in this specific activity.  Believe it or not, spanking is not covered in the hip precaution booklet they give you in rehab.  I know its unbelievable, but there you are.

I neeeeeedd to be spanked.  Oh do I ever have the need.  Somehow before I got involved in this lifestyle, when it was all just a lovely fantasy, the need did not nag so cruelly.  But, it seems, once you start it is addicting.  Stopping cold and going through withdrawal does not work.  It only makes it that much more desireable and necessary.

My brain has all its cells on full alert every time I look at a spanking pic, view a video on fetlife, or even read the words!  I spend time looking at my implements and sighing.  I feel uncentered, and uncomfortable with myself.

Yes, there are some possibilities on the horizon and I only have to wait a month until I go to visit my Big Brother/Daddy for my birthday.  But, it would be wonderful if I didn't have to wait another month.  Actually in the next five minutes would be great, and yes I need the five minutes to brush my teeth and put on cute panties.

Right now I am planning my group's November spanking party so its in my face, so to speak.  A long time over a lap with my backside burning would just be perfect. 

Anyone else feel this way?

Hey, I'm BAAAACCCKKKKK and this time for good!

Many thanks to Spanked Hortic for wondering where the update was. I started writing this and had terrible problems posting so I am hoping this one will go through. I apologize for the lack of pictures but I can't seem to make that work either. Somebody needs a spanking! So I keep showing up, telling you my physical woes, and then, POOF, I'm gone again. Here we go again. In November of 2010 my Yahoo group, Our Need and Desire had our fall spanking weekend party. Leading up to this party I was in horrible pain, my right hip (the replaced one) was becoming impossible to manuever. And I was so exhausted that putting the party together was becoming total labor and no love. The Friday of the party, three of us were at Costco getting party food and I, literally, collapsed. My right leg decided it was done! I ended up at the ER and was admitted. The orthopedic surgeon (my new best friend and hero) found a break in my pelvis and a total displacement of the prosthetic. Thus began a six month journey through four surgeries, hospital stays, and lenghty rehab home stays. It seemed never ending. So after great quantities of blood, sweat, and tears, not always just mine, I am finally at the end of the tunnel. That famous light is shining right in my eyes. For the first time in many years I can walk without any pain. Tomorrow I have the stitches out from the final surgery and I am praying that we are done!! During this time my Sir died, my birth Dad died, and I had to have one of my beloved cats to sleep. During this time, my big brother (in the lifestyle) was there every single step of the way. If not at my side physically he was on the phone many times a day. He flew out to be with me for the second surgery so I would not wake up and be alone. I could never have had such wonderful outcome without him. During this time my lifestyle friends were there in every possible way. Visits to the hospital, to rehab were such a gift. I will always treasure how they were all there for me. Again, if not right there, then there on the phone. During this time I finally got my own apartment and moved! Since I had hip surgery I was and still am restricted in the kinds of movement I can handle. So I am living in the land of lost boxes. Can't unpack but at least I am here! Now I am anxiously, impatiently awaiting the ok to be spanked again. The last time a paddle, strap, or hand touched my bottom was September and I really need to have that connection again. Since my physical state is improving rapidly, I expect that to happen this summer!! So I'm back and hopefully its to stay. And then this can stop being a medical tragedy blog and get back to the joys and delights of spanking

A test post

Testing to see if I can post...

An Update on Purple Angel