Monday, December 5, 2011

Negotiate and Communicate

Negotiate and Communicate

First of all this photo should not be viewed as a non consensual event.  But it seemed to convey what I am writing about.

A hypothetical situation

Joan is getting ready to go to a new spanking party.  She has attended others but this experience will be different, it is not in her home state.  She is anxious to meet others online so she attends group chats and comments on posts from others.  The vibe seems so right, and she is becoming comfortable with the group as she gets to know group members online. 

During one chat she meets a man and they begin talking about everyone's favorite subject, spanking (bet you could see that coming).  He identifies himself by his scene name and remarks that he considers himself a disciplinarian.  As he continues he relates that he has disciplined many women over the years and considers himself to be extremely effective (anyone that must praise themself that much usually has a fan club of one).

Joan is impressed and the online conversations continue.  He "speaks" very kindly calling her honey, etc.  Although she is a bit apprehensive, she broaches the subject of discipline.  (Keep in mind this is for a party, not a jail sentence).  As you might predict, he eagerly agrees to discipline her at the party (oy) and makes the following "rules";
No safeword (one red flag on the field)
He chooses the implements(ten red flags on the field)
He decides on how severe and how long(by now the field is bright crimson and the refs leave to buy more red fabric).

Unfortunately Joan agrees to this and, even more unfortunately, does not talk to any women in the group to find out more about this man. 

What's wrong with this picture?  If you don't have an immediate answer than you need to learn what Joan did. 

She played without a safeword
She played with a veritable stranger (online really doesn't help you know someone that well)
She allowed all rules to be dictated to her
She did not negotiate her limits and did not communicate her feelings about what he said.

First of all a party is hardly, in my opinion, the right place to start a new disciplinary relationship.  It is for spanking (or other) play, along with the chance to socialize. 

Discipline requires a connection between two people, and an enormous amount of trust.  It is not only trust with your physical self but also your emotional well being. 

How did I figure all this out?  Sadly experience taught me these hard lessons.  I was in situations that caused me actual physical harm and emotional devastation before I figured out this was not the way it was supposed to happen.   When I attended my first party I was very careful to talk to experienced party goers about each Top that approached me to play.

I love parties, and, oh, how I love being spanked!  I certainly play with men I haven't met, but only after we negotiate!!  And with new men, there is always a safeword.  If they aren't comfortable with that, then we go our separate ways, hopefully, with a smile.  And, just for the record, I love playing hard, soft, and inbetween.  I appreciate Tops who will share that my bottom looks pretty done in, and maybe we better play another time.  Those guys are gems!! 

So what happened to Joan?  Well, she allowed the session to go on as planned, and was shocked at the severity.  Since she had agreed to no safeword she felt honor bound to let it continue ( at this point I would have felt no such compunction).  She ended up with black bruises that lasted over a week. 

Whether you are an experienced spankee or a novice please do remember to communicate and negotiate for all play dates.  Its great when unspoken communication works but devastating when it doesn't


senorrose4 said...



Purple Angel said...

Thanks Bob, I always try to stress this to anyone attending my party whether newbie or spanking vet. I appreciate your comment!
Purple Angel

Anonymous said...

Good site.

Purple Angel said...

Thanks Anonymous!!!

sarah thorne said...

OMG! Although, really, I should not be shocked. This happens so much! And the ones who do it are good at twisting things around to make it all seem 'consensual' . Yes, technically there was agreement, but a manipulator knows full well how to use scene speak with those less experienced to make it seem perfectly reasonable. It's a reason why I write about it every so often - so others don't forget that predators are out there. Also, so new and inexperienced people can hopefully learn from the experience of others, and not have to learn the hard way.

Great post!


Purple Angel said...

Thanks Sarah for dropping by my blog and, most especially, for commenting. I agree that this is an ongoing problem and will probably always be one. We want so much to please and feel honor bound. Sadly some spankos do not feel honor bound whatsoever.
Even though I wrote this as hypothetical it did happen although details and names are changed to protect the innocent and, yes, even the guilty.